Offset

Q: Why are vegans so angry?



This festival was a jawdropping, senses repulsing mix of some of the worst sound my poor little noise holes have ever had the misfortune of ingesting. Our pitch made up the unfortunate third point in the axis of evil, that also included the main stage and the hardcore tent. With the likes of 'Wet Dog' and 'Hang the bastard' vomiting out their vitriolic nonsense, we were truly stuck in a nightmarish crossing of the beams, 'The Vortex of Hate'.


The weather was nice though.




And we were right nextdoor to Dan the juice man (Elephant Juice) from Whitecross Street.




With an initial crew of only five this time round, the pressure was on and time for breaks was limited. Ollie and Harriet easily overcame this problem by sharing meals, lady and the tramp stylee. Who knows what happened when they got to the middle...



This photo is in no way linked to the previous one except to say that making vast numbers of burritos with limited staff takes its toll even on our hardcorest of workers.



So in sumnation. With the exception of Caribou, Mystery Jets and a spackling of other performers, the music was aweful from where I was standing. The people, however, were lovely. All tattooed hipster types, but majoritarily really good sorts. Apart from the filthy thieving bastard who stole our newly aquired wrestling cat. Mexican Pussy was cruely catnapped at around 10:30 on the saturday night. Any information leading to the whereabouts of our beloved family member will be met with surprise, initially and then overwhelming joy and then... well anyway there are seven stages.





A: They aren't really. Just the German ones who were performing in the Hardcore tent and only really their lyrics. They seemed very personable when ordering their dinner.



Pssst!!! see you all at Thames Festival this Saturday and Sunday. Gives you all a chance to show off your favourite burritos to friends and family who might not otherwise get the chance to experience such culinary delights

Festinho

Festinho, in the heart of Bedfordshire, was set up in order to help the poor children of Brazil through the ABC Trust. This is obviously no easy task as there are a shiteload of 'em, however, it is a task that the Luardos essays were willing to lend their able bodies to. Of course we were going to come through for our favela dwelling underprivileged cousins.

Unfortunately there was a pretty hefty spanner thrown in the works on day one and by one of our own. Petrol does not go in a diesel engine Lovell you muppet.



We did manage to get all vehicles and deliveries on site eventually, but were then met with the rather depressing prospect of setting up in the rain.We were eventually rewarded with gloroius sunshine and our very own seating area. Bums on seats and burritos in mouths. Good thing really, we were as isolated as Saddam in his cave.



Although we were the only traders for some distance we managed to keep morale high and prevent ourselves from being swallowed up in a pit of loneliness by massively overstaffing. Ten burritoistas was in no way too many. And with the blooding of four new members (Amy, Brittany, China and Katie) the end of season party is really looking like much less of a sausage-fest (not the kind of festival you want to finish the year off with)



Business was good and we even managed to get some of the kids hooked on our wares. "Get 'em young" as El Numerico likes to say.



Once hooked it was easy to get the kids to work



WASPS!!

Unbelievably there were more of the pesky beasts here than at Standon. I obliterated 64 in two days using a variety of different methods and Tom even designed his own deathbringer, "Whispring Death" was born



Lovell wasn't interested in killing and instead decided to make up for his earlier mishap with a spot of fancy dress tomfoolery. The children had already left at this point so Lovells visible wasp stings couldn't offend.



Tom was not to be outdone. 'Team Porn' was the result. And the Festinho Silver Cup was rightfully awarded to the seem splitting audacity of these beautifully crafted jockey silks. Figure hugging mess.



Walk to the light my pretties there is plenty for everyone in Jesus H-Van.

Standon Calling

Hello People. Standon calling was within spitting distance of London. Just a quick, and mildly perilous, jaunt up th A10 and we were knee deep in our sixth festival of the season. Luardos was really entering into the world of the unknown ths time when we were joined by Burrito debutants; Gini and Ellie. However, having assessed their performances over the entire festival, we have since decided to set up a recruitment agency. 'Luardos Angels' should be up and running by the new year.



Things took a turn for the worse early doors in the fields of Standon and some live action scenes, that would have had Alfred Hitchcock bricking it, led Gini to head for the hills. 'The Wasps' could have been an instant internet success if we weren't so busy avoiding the little bastards. (I f***ing hate wasps)



El Gremlo and El Numerico weren't afraid. Of course they weren't, thems some damn hardcore mexican wrestlers. They were just busy during the day that's the only reason they waited until nightfall to show their handsome selves.



With some very rare footage here, we see the Luardos boys having a rare moment of kinsmanship in a rave situation. Lovely to see.



Lambibal Lecter joined in on the action and decided that Chianti would not do as a lubricant for his recently devoured burrito (oddly veggie) and instead opted to imbibe lager in order that he may aide his deglutition.



Sarah pulled som green bloke. Whatevs.

(not really)



After the anarchic degradation of the previous night, Simon was left feeling a little worse for warewolf and more than a little confused. Had this really happened? Where was he and where was everyone else?



...and what the hell had those damned wasps done to Jesus H-vans tyres? Punctured two of his little padders with their poisonous bum-spears. Mark my words wasps your pointless existence will come to an end soon and the corpse of one of your fallen chieftains that I found in my can of pop is just a harbinger of things to come.



Sorry. Anyway, it was a great festival and everyone loved it. We will definitely be back next year. OH FO SHIZZLE!!!

Camp Bestival

It was Wednesday the 28th of July and the eight intrepid burritoistas travelled down to Wool in Dorset for the eagerly anticipated Camp Bestival festival. The crew dem included two spanking new members in the shape of Matt and John 'The Brizzle boys'


Our pitch, situated in the family field, was a long long way from the real action, but we ploughed into our preparations with gay abandon. After a fairly chilled out day of lime juicing, tin foil ripping and other necessary tasks the nefarious Luardos gang headed to the pub for a spot of dindins. The calm before the storm was in full effect.


After a fairly slow start to the day a queue soon grew. Coinciding with the amazing insect circus performance two doors down from us. Human sized insects spinning around, attacking each other and puting the frighteners up the children obviously sewed the hunger seed into everyone's bellies


The queue was expunged, which gave us a little time for some arts and crafts...


...even El Gremlo got in on the action


Then, out of nowhere, new boy John pulls out all the stops and enters Jesus H-van in this crazy get up. Our main man Ganesha representing hard. Removing fruit from the fridge and enabling a delicious Jug O' Pimms (TM)



The standard, having been firmly set, was then immitated by the other dedicated followers of facepaint


The light started to fade on what was another delightful festival experience and the raindrops glistened on the roof of the big top. The Luardos lads and gals packed up and readied themselves for the big off


"On the road again, I just can't wait to be on the road again..." (whistle to close)


psst! see y'all at 'Standon Calling'.

x

Lovebox

The Lovebox Festival proved to be a lot of hard work, with queues extending thirty deep from opening, until the licensing nazi's shut everyone down at 10 o'clock. Of course the happy go lucky Luardos crew remained stoic throughtout



John went a bit bong-eyed towards the end as the pressure mounted and tortilla supplies dwindled to nothing



(MORE TO FOLLOW)

'Blissfields'

And so to Bradley Farm in Hampshire for an intimate family run festival. Blissfields' 10th anniversary celebrations brought with them a bumper crowd of 1,800 party animals and the flags were sure flying proudly to welcome all



The Luardos crew were, as usual, in fine fettle. Looking good and feeling dandy



Johnny boy was incredibly excited to meet Sean Astin from the Lord of the rings films. Sean was equally excited to learn that he now holds the record for most burritos eaten in a weekend, with 12. Yeah 12. Challengers show yourselves!!



The infamous el numerico even turned up to show us his moves



Then of course the facepainting began and shizzle really started getting serious. Ollie got himself a campfie on his face. As you do



and Betsy decided that she wanted to try out for the upcoming James Cameron extravaganza: "Avatar 2 - Attack of the Cats"



The most rediculous Law (Jude) poked his little face in the van. The cheeky blighter wanted to take a dip in our bean pot, but we told him to sling his hook



Wonder Woman



Jesus



Ghostbusters. Pretty much what you'd expect



Police. oh SH!T!!! THE ACTUAL POLICE. Time to shut up shop



Until next year 'Blissfields' from the entire Luardos family, we bid a very fond farewell. Peace out